I work at a large, top-200 law firm in one of the ten most populous cities in the country. The hours can be grueling, there are constant deadlines, and the work is mentally demanding. Any partner in my particular practice area can assign me work, which means I have more than 30 potential bosses. At any given time, I am working on projects for three to five partners, all of whom believe that their assignment should take priority over any other work. As a result, there have been many long days (and long nights).
Moreover, being a lawyer at a large firm is a high-stress endeavor. Even small mistakes can have significant implications and, as a result, tensions can run high. And of course, because excellence is expected, partners are unlikely to give much positive feedback for a job well done; instead, the reward for good work is more work.
It doesn’t get much better when I venture outside my office. Lawyers are often the butt of jokes, and society, in general, has little regard for my profession. In fact, 34% of Americans say that “lawyers contribute little to nothing to society“?
I do not share this to complain or to engender any sympathy. I’m well compensated for my work and am grateful for the opportunity to work at my firm. My point is simply that the position of “associate” at a major law firm is generally regarded as a very difficult job. With that said, I make the following observation with great confidence: my wife’s job is harder.
My wife is self-employed. She has only two clients to respond to, sets her own hours, has no dress code to follow, and primarily works from home. Stated differently, she has two demanding, needy, and childish clients, is on call 24-7, is so busy she doesn’t even have time to shower some days, and is essentially a prisoner in her own home.
The astute reader has deduced her occupation: My wife is a stay-at-home mother (“SAHM”).
In our society, it seems that being a SAHM is frequently misunderstood. SAHMs are often asked if they “just” stay home with their kids and, if so, how do they fill their days? They are asked if they look forward to “going back to work,” or if they miss having a job. Others (often singles or married women who don’t have children) express their longing for the day when they can stay home with their kids, rhapsodizing about the glory of motherhood and peppering SAHMs with questions about the glorious existence that must be the life of a SAHM. In other words, our society seems to have concluded that SAHMs are either
- On a sabbatical of sorts from the real world, treading water in some sort of slow-moving existence featuring too much free time and not enough significance; or
- Living an idyllic life, consisting of snuggling and playing with soft cuddly babies, participating in fun-filled play dates with other moms and babies, and having plenty of time to engage in fulfilling hobbies and friendships.
With these two polar opposite characterizations of SAHMs, I imagine most young mothers feel either an overwhelming sense of insignificance, because the first assumption paints them as unmotivated or unqualified members of society, or a deep sense of personal failure, if their experience as a mother fails to resemble the blissful scenario described by the second assumption. It’s a bit surprising these views don’t drive young mothers to an institution! And that is just the external pressure and misunderstanding a SAHM may face from family, friends, (obnoxious) strangers, and the media. There is still the actual work of motherhood to contend with.
Make no mistake, my wife has made it abundantly clear that she feels extremely blessed to be a SAHM and would not choose to do anything else. But, that does not change the simple, incontrovertible fact that it is hard work. Here are just a few of the hats worn by a SAHM (along with the approximate annual salary):
- Activity Coordinator / Planner – This encompasses not just trips to the zoo, play dates, and parent-tot “craft projects,” but also all the daily activities that keep a child engaged for twelve hours a day. (Salary: $41,000)
- Educator and Facilitator of Cognitive Development – SAHMs are working with impressionable and fertile minds. A Harvard study states what “[w]e have long known that interactions with parents, caregivers, and other adults are important in a child’s life, but new evidence shows that these relationships actually shape brain circuits and lay the foundation for later developmental outcomes, from academic performance to mental health and interpersonal skills.” No pressure, right? Sure, it might be easier to duct-tape their diaper to the floor in front of the TV watching Barney for the greater part of the day, but a good SAHM (like my wife) looks for, and creates, opportunities to stimulate her child’s brain development. (Salary: $28,000)
- Chef/Hostess/Waitress/Busboy (girl)/Dishwasher – A SAHM’s kitchen duties go well beyond food preparation. Having observed this process in our home, it goes something like this: (1) prepare the food; (2) convince the child(ren) it really is time to eat, which may or may not involve physically “escorting” the child(ren) to the table; (3) serve the food to the child(ren); (4) field complaints regarding the type of food prepared, its texture, its temperature, its color, its shape, or its taste; (5) confer with the “chef” as to whether an alternate entree is available; (6) return to the table to advise the child(ren) that the kitchen is closed, and risk enduring verbal harassment; (7) pick up food that has been dropped (or thrown) to the floor; (8) after the meal, wipe down (or hose off) the child(ren), the table, and the floor; (9) collect the dishes, rinse them, and load the dishwasher. In fact, one of the only things separating this experience from an actual restaurant is payment of any kind (and after-dinner mints)! (Salary: $85,000; $23,000; $26,000; $18,000; $22,000)
- Mediator – For SAHMs with more than one child, conflict resolution is a regular necessity. Whether they are toddlers, young children, middle schoolers, or high schoolers, allegations of “that’s mine,” “he hit me,” “I was watching that,” “she ruined my jeans,” “he ate the last piece,” and similar claims are sure to resonate within the halls of your home. (Salary: $60,000)
- Interior Decorator / Organizer – When you walk into a home and it feels warm and inviting, there is a high probability that you are benefiting from what is commonly referred to as “a woman’s touch.” If, in contrast, the home looks like this:
…you are likely experiencing “a man’s touch.” This ability and effort naturally carries over into the children’s rooms and affects not just the aesthetics of those rooms, but also the organization. You may not have realized, but children are messy. So any day that you come home and do not trip over or step on multiple toys in the hallway, your room, or on any other available floor space, your wife had something to do with that. (Salary: $51,000)
- Hazardous Waste Technician: Diapers. Spit-ups. Projectile Vomiting. Potty Training. Need I say more? (Salary: $43,000)
- Nurse: While some injuries (or perceived injuries) may only require a kiss from mommy to jumpstart the healing process, other slips, tumbles, collisions, and flying objects cause more significant damage. A SAHM must do triage and carry out the appropriate level of treatment, all while comforting her child in his or her fragile emotional state. (Salary: $65,000)
- Taxi Service: When my wife was growing up, it was not uncommon for my mother-in-law to drive in excess of 20,000 miles on an annual basis. Much like at mealtime, the process involved in going anywhere is extensive. A SAHM must round up the children, load them (and an extensive amount of supplies) into the vehicle, drive to the destination while enjoying the musical stylings of “musicians” like the Wiggles, unload the children and supplies, engage in whatever activity is on the agenda, and then repeat the process to return home. Moreover, this scenario fails to take into account the various “wrinkles” that may complicate the journey: for example, (1) a child decides that what was inside his tummy after lunch belongs outside his tummy and all over the interior of the car, or; (2) the travelers arrive at the destination only to discover that the activity was cancelled and they didn’t get the message because mommy’s phone is still drying out from having been thrown in the toilet the night before. (Salary: $25,000)
- Supply Chain Manager – Lest we forget, all the roles filled by a SAHM also require extensive supplies. Diapers, clothes, laundry detergent, food, books, toys, and copious amounts of carpet cleaner are just the beginning. Managing inventory, purchasing and restocking essential items is a never-ending process. (Salary: $90,000)
There was an article in Forbes in 2011 suggesting that SAHMs should charge $115,000 for their services. The total annual approximate salary for the positions I listed above is $577,000. Granted, a SAHM is not dedicating 40 hours per week to each of these roles, but if someone suggests that it is possible–without paying a substantial salary–to locate an individual that was not only sufficiently skilled to assume all of these roles, but also willing to take on a job with this many responsibilities . . . then I would like to introduce that individual to a little thing I like to call “reality.”
Finally, and lest we forget, merging all these professionals into one SAHM only covers the actual physical labor. It doesn’t even begin to address the immense feelings of responsibility, and the hopes and dreams for the futures of their precious children. Nor does it account for the fact that most SAHMs accomplish all of this in a continuous state of sleep deprivation.
If you are wondering what to do with this information, here are two suggestions:
- If your wife is a stay-at-home mother, recognize her contributions to your family, thank her (often) for the very important work she does, and try to make sure that you aren’t the only one that gets to take advantage of vacation days.
- If you know stay-at-home mothers, stop asking them if it is nice to not have a job, and bless them with the opportunity to have an adult conversation once in a while by taking them out to lunch or dinner. (And if she leans over to cut your food for you, just let it go!)
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Update: 1/24/2014
This post has gotten a tremendous response–one I could not have imagined (300,000 views and counting). Thank you for reading and sharing it!
I wanted to address something that has come up in some of the comments. I wrote this post as a tribute to all the work that my wife–a SAHM–does on a daily basis. Because it was written from my personal perspective and is about my wife, it does not address stay-at-home fathers, or mothers who work outside the home. Certainly no family has the exact same circumstances as any other and I am confident we all know moms and dads in a variety of situations who are amazing parents and very dedicated to their children.
My hope is that this post encourages all of us-–no matter our particular situation-–to seek to understand and appreciate the contributions of our spouse. With this in mind, perhaps the best thing we can do is to use this article–and any comments–to support and recognize the contributions of our spouse, no matter the situation. Thanks again for reading!
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Read about the best way to ensure your child’s success – http://t.co/ath2pMAqRv
— James (@BowlingWithEd) January 17, 2014
bowlingwithed 
Nicely said. Check me out http://www.dadstress.com would welcome a guest post about how your stress is the best stress because of your kids and family.
Im at wohm I use to be a sham but with the economy the way it was we couldn’t survive off of one income. That being said both are hard for different reasons. Sahm get the rep of being lazy and having it easy but people forget to mention the meal times, screaming, time outs, nap time is a struggle, and not getting time for yourself which is all hard but you at least get to be with your child all the time to watch them grow. Now being a wohm is hard as well having to leave my daughter instead of being with her daily all the time. Missing her, wondering if she’s alright on top of work full time and trying to find the time to cook, clean, grocery shop etc. the person watching your child gets too see the steps they make in life. It can be saddening. Both types of mothers are strong and doing what’s best for there child. They love them and want what’s best.
In the 2 years since my daughter was born I’ve been in college, had a job outside the home and been a SAHM, currently home full time due to the dr pulling me out of work. All of these were difficult but personally I have found that staying home full time is the hardest but simultaneously most rewarding of the 3. No matter what your choice being a parent has its challenges but the most underestimated role in modern society is that of a SAHM.
Being BRAND new to blogging , this sort of article is fabulous to read and follow as it shows how many views there are on this SAHM vs working mum story. So wonderful to read about how appreciative , compassionate and empathetic a husband can be! I think my husband is too though he would never have taken the time to write about it this fully. The relevance for me is that I have felt so strongly about the somewhat negative sentiment expressed about the fact that one does not WORK if you are home with children that I have written a book about my experience of motherhood and the “mother-dance” in order to come to terms with what I find the most rewarding. And the result? I wouldn’t trade my position for a full-time career (in law incidentally which is why I find this article even more interesting) for anything, though fortunately it is by choice. My other conclusion is that this debate can only really become relevant for those who can afford NOT to return to work- which, in a strange way , makes it often more difficult. Those that are compelled to work don’t have the luxury to indulge in the merits of the debate.
I do believe though, that some women are better at home than others and this is ultimately a personal choice.
Thanks again for your insight – I will be following your blog and hope you consult mine when I get it off the ground in the next few days!!
There are pros and cons to every profession. It is nice to be appreciated and acknowledged for what we do! TY for writing this! : )
My 2 girls are now 31 & 26. I was a SAHM for a bit. My ex owned a business and needed my help. Unfortunately I went into work fulltime and put my girls in a home based day care. It wasn’t that we couldn’t afford for me to stay home. It was all about him wanting to grow his business which I also had a background in. If I could go back. I would’ve made the decision to stay a SAHM. Money is no payback for all the little & big things you miss as your child grows up! Kudos to all you moms whether you’re a SAHM or a working mom. Both are very demanding jobs. Well that’s my 2 cents worth.
Awesome article. But I gotta tell you that I was once an associate at a large law firm in NYC and I am now a SAHM to 2 young maniacs – and here’s a little secret – my job is 100 times easier now cuz I LOVE it! I am not AT ALL discounting your article cuz you are 100% correct about all the work we do as SAHM’s, but I used to cringe every time my alarm clock went off as a lawyer cuz even tho I only worked about 80% as hard, I did things I didn’t really love for people that I clearly didn’t love. The love we have for our kids somehow makes everything you described, even without pay, not only bearable but enjoyable. I actually think some people pity me being a SAHM cuz I went from a glamorous job in fancy clothes to hauling 2 babies around town in a minivan. I really just have to laugh cuz the worst day as a SAHM beats the best day you’re ever gonna have in a law firm – I don’t care how high the verdict was. But thanks anyway to you for being an appreciative husband! That truly makes all the difference!
I am a sahm. Grant it I haven’t been at it very long (my little one is 9 months) there are days were I would love to go back to work or when my husband has a day off I’d like a day off too. I don’t get any “me” time. My “me” time is from 8 pm until almost 2 am, that’s when everybody is asleep and I can take a shower, read a book, or just watch some TV. I envy the working mom. When I was working, I was a welder. So i was in my own little world 10 hours a day. I haven’t been working since September 2012 (that’s when I found out I was pregnant) well you can’t weld when you’re pregnant. The area I was living at had no open jobs available at the time and now that my princess is here I don’t know who would watch her and I don’t trust day cares. But like I said I envy the working mom, yeahyou have to go to work and then come home and do everything you ccouldn’t do because of work, but you get to escape the responsibilitys of being a mom for a couple of hours.
But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I really do enjoy spending my day with my daughter. I love watching her try to scoot to reach for her toys that I have purposely placed just out of reach. I love hearing her baby babbles and her screeching at her toy monkey. I love it when she makes meal time a mess and she smiles. I love that she is trying to stand and take steps.
I have no words to say. I wish you can hear the big applause I am giving you from here from this wonderful writing
Great article! I would add one thing to husbands in terms of “what to do with this information” (see end of the article)- consider sharing more of the workload once you are home from the office. There is no reason why a SAHM needs to be “on call 24/7” to children and household needs while the father is not.
Great article! WOHM, SAHM, I’ve done both. Honestly, I think that the problem isn’t that SAHMs are undervalued (even though they are). Parenting, itself, is undervalued and under appreciated, at least in our media culture. Unfortunately we turn on each other in various forms of mommy wars. Parenting is hard work (whether you are home or not), but essential to the integrity of our society, and should, therefore, have a higher value than our careers (or distractions/detours at home…hahaha…hearing my kids in the background being good offs while I write this. At least I’m dressed:p ).
Anyway…thank you to all the moms and dads out there, and thank you to all the people who are a positive influence in my kids’ lives!
James, kudos to you for handling all of the negative nellies with such graciousness. I thought this was a beautiful, well written article that reflects nicely on your situation and observations. I work part time so can appreciate both stay at home and work out of the home moms (and dads’) plights. Thanks for sharing your perspective and for having the grace to compassionately respond to everyone out there who doesn’t take the time to write their own perspectives or blog, but thinks it’s OK to criticize everyone else’s.
I am a WD (working Dad) with a SAHM. My two cents: My wife took a 12 day solo vacation (well, not solo, she did take the 18 mo old) to visit her family. I stayed home with the 6, 5, and 4 yr old. Disclaimer: On a daily basis I wake them up; prepare their breakfast; taxi them to school; sometimes pick up one or more from school; occasionally taxi to after school activities (skating, piano, dancing, gymnastics, girl scouts) and prepare dinner most nights and read/prayer time and tuck them in most nights. So, I was well prepared for my solo stint with my 3 girls! WRONG!!!!!! SAHM is a never-ending, relentless, tedious and arduous intense level of pressure. There is little let up. Blessing? Absolutely, yes. But the deep breath of relief doesn’t begin until bedtime (actually……..about 30 minutes after bedtime…….if you know what I mean). Words could not explain my appreciation of her return, and she could see it on my face. I could not wait to get back to work!!! I love you Erin!!! You are a great MOM!!!
Awesome awesome!
Jay…I commend you for doing what you did…and for caring enough to realize it is a non-stop job. I went on a 2 day trip over the weekend, came back…and hubby says its “not that bad”. WHAT??? First…he didnt have to go anywhere with lo and really only had 1 full day with her because I was there for 1/2 of that first day & 1/2 of my return day, didnt have to give her a bath because I did that when I returned…and he watches tv all day while lo is playing by herself…you get the picture. So basically he got it easy. Im curious what his reaction will be when (IF) i go on a ‘actual’ trip.
I am in the midst of this scenario right now. I am a young stay at home mom of 3 boys under the age of 6. I have had many discussion (with surprisingly other woman) about how tragic it must be for me. And that sad part is I have a hard time disagreeing with them. I am blessed to have the opportunity to be a SAHM but ponder what it would be like to “contribute more to society.” But then I think to my self how dare I look down on what I do, have done, and will do for my family. At the end of the day I’m not sure what path I will take in terms of going back to school or getting a job. But what I do know is that at night when I tuck my kids in to bed and they look at me and tell me they love me, I must be doing what I’m supposed to be doing at that very moment. And I am happy! P.S. Thanks Shelb I really need to hear this…especially tonight!
Nice article, however, my hat is off to the mother (or father) who does all of the above while being single and holding down a full time job.
I currently work full time (from home) while also watching my 8 month old and picking up freelance when I can. I am stretched SOOOOOOO THIN but I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to stay home with her instead of going into an office. I am envious of my SAHM friends who don’t have the additional workload during the day, but in return they are envious of my ability to have adult conversations and use my mind for other things that aren’t child-related during the day. The grass is always greener…
Except why are they not using their minds? Interacting with kids – even small ones – doesn’t mean you have to turn off your brain.
I think that’s a very good article, but I think moms should not feel the needs to explain themselves to society…. I am not a mom yet, so maybe if and when I get there, I might feel the same. However, what this article seems to fail to cover is SAHFs (stay-at-home-fathers).
Christine – thank you for reading, and for your comment. As you and other readers have noted, this article does not address stay-at-home fathers or mothers who work outside the home. The reason is that I was writing an article from my perspective to acknowledge the amazing work that my wife does on a daily basis. As such, it is from my perspective, which is the perspective of a husband married to a SAHM.
I am humbled by the response this post has received and hope that it encourages all of us–no matter our particular situation–to seek to understand and appreciate the contributions of our spouse. Thanks again!
I really dont know which one is harder.. I am a working mom.. I get up early.. Get my kids ready for school I have a 5 year old that is special needs and a 18 month old.. I get them on the bus and then i go to work.. After work they get home from school its time to take care of my girls, clean house, cook supper, feed my babies, get them baths, and ready for bed, then after all that i need to clean up again.. I was a stay at home mom and although it does get overwhelming i would say its harder to be a working mom.. as a working mom i do everything a stay at home mom does plus work along with that.. no nap time with the kids or breaks during the day.. I have alot of respect for stay at home moms.. its not a easy job by any means. i just think a working mom does have it a little worse.. but we never hear about them..
And I say this not to be rude or whatever.. I say this just to open peoples eyes.. I am very blessed to have a wonderful Boss who lets me off when my kids need me.. But if i am not at work I am taking care of kids, house, and laundry..
Good on you James for writing such a great article about your SAHM wife. It can be very hard to explain to your husband or people who haven’t been a SAHM how hard it actually is. I think its hilarious that so many people are getting so offended about the fact that you don’t talk about WOHM’s or SAHF when this is supposed to be a personal perspective on your and your wife’s experience. For what its worth I have done both and both are hard with challenges. Being a parent is hard full stop.
Thank you Andy!
This really spoke to me (SAHM). I think you said it perfectly – SAHMs are sort of swept under the rug, undervalued, and often treated as though we are less intelligent, less hardworking, or less ambitious. I struggle every day with it. I feel pulled in both directions, and I miss working often, but ultimately for a variety of reasons I chose to stay home. Realistically, the choices people make about whether to work or to stay at home with their children are mitigated by so many factors and are often not choices we can make freely at all, so why do so many make assumptions about the personal characteristics of SAHMs? Or WOHMs for that matter? The whole idea of who works harder or who has it harder just makes me shake my head. Let’s just treat everyone with the empathy and respect they deserve, regardless of their parenting status.
I really appreciate your comments and perspective Kim – thank you for sharing!
James,
This article is such a beautiful tribute to all that your wife does for your family. I truly enjoyed reading every bit of it. I also read through some of the previous comments. Which all basically translate to the same thing…in my mind at least. That mothers have very strong opinions when it comes to their babies, but it’s all out of love. We all want the best for our children, so want to believe what we do is best. My mom was a stay at home mom, and did all of the above! She never missed a game or was late to pick us kids up from school. She had the chance to be involved in our schools. I’m however a single mother to a almost 3 year old. I work full time and just recently had to start relying on day care for my baby. I can’t say I wouldn’t pull my hair out of my head somedays if I was home with her 24/7 lol. But I also can’t say I don’t tear up most mornings on my way to work after dropping her off. Or on the weekends when she’ll say “she loves being at home with just mommy”. We all sacrifice something for the love of our children. You ALL deserve a pat on the back. ❤
Kay, I — and my wife — really appreciated your kind words.
Beautifully said, Kay!
Love the sentiment but can never wrap my head around the posts/articles like this because they make being a mom sound like a total drag that only pure martyrs would ever do. “A prisoner in her own home!” Because apparently having children means you must be chained to your home covered in vomit 24/7. Oh lord, you had to wash a dish! I am at home with my baby (though I work while he sleeps) and I freaking love it and yes, think it’s better, more fun, easier (oh yes, I said it), and more rewarding than slogging my ass to a office. Stuff like this makes me feel like I have to *confess* that. So weird. It’s like people didn’t appreciate motherhood so the response is to talk about how it’s just so awful because only awful things are worth it?
I am a new Mom to a beautiful set of twins and I have learned that being a sahm is very difficult. I was not prepared to be a mother when I had them but I have made the sacrifices and I wouldnt change a thing. I think the only thing that makes being a sahm a little harder than a wohm is the sanity factor. My husband works and I am alone with two toddlers all day. I dont get to have an adult conversation until later in the evening. With working at least you get that ten minutes of quiet and complete alone time while you drive home. When my kids nap (which isnever very long or at the same time) I take that chance to start on my mountains of laundry or finally be able to clean up the cracker crumbs everywhere and pick up toys and this and that. By the time they wake up I have not had a minute to myself. Dont get me wrong I love being a sahm but the sanity and energy can slip away very quickly.
Thank you so much for this. I quit my job 2 years ago to stay home and open a small in home daycare on top of the daycare I homeschool my 7 year old daughter. A lot of times I do not feel that I get as much done in a day as I would like to. My house is constantly messy and some days I feel like I run a circus…..but with that being said I wouldn’t trade this job for anything else in the whole world. I have an MBA and could go out and get a job making $50,000 + a year but I know it would no fulfill me the way my current employment does. So, thank you for recognizing what we do. What would be nice (IMO) is that when I am ready to go back out into the “real” world and get a job that my years as a SAHM and daycare provider would be looked upon as a favorable treat and not a “you are out of touch with reality” situation…….
should say *not fulfill me
and *favorable trait
didn’t have my morning coffee when I wrote this lol
Forgot to add “professional maid and carpet cleaning services” 🙂
I have been on both sides. When I worked I realized nothing was getting done, unless
I did it. I also missed my daughter, my job
had me away from home that others were raising my child. I had to make the decision, “do I want materialistic things, or do I want my child?” She is now 26, I chose her and am so thankful! Work was hard, being home was a challenge, but it is all worth it because I have my daughter’s LOVE! She is not a stranger to me, because I invested in her.
Raising a child is a huge responsibility. You are essentially attempting to create a responsible, productive member of society over an 18 to 20 year period. While this an still be done with a working parent, nothing can replace the time you do spend with your child during early years. If having a parent spend their time with their child didn’t really matter in the end, then children in foster care would grow up to be pillars of the community, not likely to end up a statistic.
I was fortunate enough to be able to work from home, doing most of my work during naps and at night times. I may not be the greatest maid, but at least I could cook. 😉
So thoughtful, thank you so much for sharing this. The stigma surrounding being a SAHM has had me down many times before, but it’s my calling. It’s what I want more than anything. I don’t need to be praised, I just want someone to acknowledge that it’s a real job and an important one.